RHOBH Recap: Cirque du Basic Bitches

If you haven’t noticed, the housewives’ lives are consumed by only two things: cheating and tweeting. Like yeah sure this may be exciting for them, but from our perspective it’s like the same shit over and over and the reality is they need to let it go. They all sound like they’re going through menopause. The only thing that would make this better would be if Alison Dubois was there smoking her ecig in the corner. Anyway, I love how Kim started this whole drama by deciding to give a speech about how she didn’t want any drama and wanting to talk out their problems. Maybe she got confused between cirque day with the housewives and circle time at AA. Classic mixup.

Kyle

I’m from this town. I know what’s real and what’s fake and everything bad about me is fake and everything bad about Brandi is real.

“Whenever you see your name flash across the screen of the TV you always just get so worried if it’s real or if it’s fake so excited that someone still gives a shit about me.”

I don’t understand how Kyle’s body had not deformed into a hunchback under the weight of that ugly fucking necklace.

 

Yolanda

Don’t tell me you’re my friend, say it behind my back.

“Can I take some hats to London? Do I have to get a personal hat bag?”  – Gigi Problems

When Gigi gets back from London she’ll have 250 calories and then move to New York.

“My children have to make their own money and learn to survive on their own and by on their own I mean without food.”

Yolanda loves saying “we’re adult women” before talking shit about Kyle.

Yolanda, who regularly makes lemon juice cleanse from home grown lemons and has a kitchen that has a transparent fridge, is calling prom extravagant and obnoxious. 

Kim

Everybody loves a comeback story especially when you’re coming back from circus school.

Of course Kim wants to go to cirque school. It’s the Ojai of her season 4 personality.

Is this where they got the tiny Asian man in Oceans 11?

“I just want us to bond while doing life threatening acrobatic aerial moves I think it will bring us closer together by lifting off the ground.”

Lisa

Life is a sexy little dance and I like probably deeply regret this really lame opener by this episode.

The two giant VILLA ROSA signs on either side of the door to her house make it look like a restaurant or a rehab.

“We worship our dogs. We treat them better than our children.” Things good mothers say.

“I called my dog Rumpy Pumpy which means butt sex which is ironic because that’s Ken’s favorite position.”

Carlton

In my world money doesn’t talk it puts a spell on you and now you’re mine.

Brandi, I love everything about her. She’s stunning. And yeah uh break me off a piece of that.

“If you want a relationship, you have to invest in something, You just have to bury a tooth on a full moon and then sacrfice one of your sons to the devil.” We should definitely include this advice next time someone writes to us wondering why she can’t find a boyfriend.

“I don’t have at tiny waist. I have huge boobs and a huge ass.”

“I hope there’s no fucking clowns.” The woman who worships the devil is afraid of clowns. Don’t worry the only clown there is the one who invited you to the workout.

Joyce

You can never be too young too thin or too honest about your husbands genitalia.

Jokes about your husband’s balls pair perfectly with this delicate pizzette.

“I was fixing Brandi’s weave and you were upset when I tried to fix your weave.” U MAD????

Brandi

In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall. I know because I’m a bully and consistently push people off things.

“I’m a girl’s girl so I tell all my girls when someone’s saying someone’s fucking their husband.” This is actually on Brandi’s Christmas card.

“I’m not NOT a lesbian!”

I love when they refer to rumors coming from each other’s “camps” like this is the guerilla trenches of Beverly Hills.

KYLE TELL TMZ THAT I’M NOT A BULLY OR I’M GONNA FUCKING SHOVE YOU IN YOUR LOCKER AFTER SCHOOL.

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/rhobh-recap-cirque-du-basic-bitches

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